tuesday

one month from today, i will be on a plane with all of my belongings. i will be bidding farewell to the great state of washington and begin to establish life in the midwest. it will be a good experience.

saturday

summer is, by far, the best season ever.

thursday

another night, spent contently behind the closed doors of my bedroom, is coming to an end. the bright screen of my laptop, the glow of my lamp and the flashing of a muted movie in the far corner, illuminate the room. as i sit here, wrapped in my thick down comforter, i hear the rain pounding on my roof and the sound of music that escapes from the speakers of my computer. i made the mistake of opening up a forgotten itunes playlist that i created roughly a year ago. unlike most of the other playlists in my queue, this one brings a wave of unwanted memories and emotions.  i hate my past. 

 it was late, on a tuesday night, just weeks before my high school graduation. my then-boyfriend had just dropped me off about an hour past curfew and i’d gotten into a fight with my parents [a common occurrence in those days].  

if this were a film or some sort of pathetic-teenage-drama tv show, this is the part where the scene would freeze on an angry, abercrombie-clad blonde as she stormed up the stairs, away from her parents’ raised voices and empty threats.  then i, the narrator, would come in to give some sort of insightful background.  however this is not a movie or television series.  this, unfortunately, is the dismal reality of my former life.

i slammed the door behind me and threw myself onto my bed.  i soon lost the war with my tears and allowed them to wash away the angry façade that i used to mask the emptiness and pain i hid beneath.  when i was finally exhausted from crying, i wiped my swollen eyes and turned to the best therapy i could think of: music.

 i shoved my ear phones into the audio jack of my laptop and cranked the volume up.  “on my own” by the used was the first song that i sought out.  it described my life at that point in time surprisingly well. [i try to hold it all inside..im sitting here wishing..the the things that ive become..something is missing.] i rested my head against the wall behind me and thought about how i had so drastically screwed up my life.

this is where the flashback in my mind comes to a screeching halt before the past events of three long years begin to devour my thoughts. i slowly made my way through that old playlist. song after depressing song came and went, echoing meaninglessly against my walls. some of them i skipped after listening to them for several seconds; others i took the time to ponder over and relate them back to my hopelessness.

as i came to the end of the list of songs, i was surprised that my only response was that of sincere thankfulness. it amazes me at how GOD can take a broken life and completely transform it into something beautiful.