tuesday

and i will walk this world as a child whose heart belongs to the Creator, to the wild, to make-believe, to innocence, to laughter, to eternity.

monday

I will...

remember that demanding answers from God defeats the purpose of faith.
never lose my hunger for adventure.
never marry anyone but my best friend.
not allow myself to be too proud to say i'm sorry.
be the second man [see post below for explanation].
not forget to laugh when life gets tough.
care.
sing in the shower with no shame.

give my time, my money, my possessions, and my love generously.
find the line between reality and imagination.
cross that line.
be willing to let go of the life i have planned.
let people in.
not quit.  
keep secrets and promises.
live in the sunshine, swim in the sea, and drink the wild air.
complain less.
dance while i wait for God's promises to unravel.
be happy being me.
not expect life to be fair.
try to sleep enough, eat better, stay active, and smile always.
frequently carry out random acts of kindness.
embrace my nerdy side.
never forget the importance of hugs and hand-holding.
stumble after Christ until the day i'm called Home.

saturday

i've always been what people call "the follower". the first one who to say yes to just about anything - from a late-night grocery run to a fly-fishing adventure in montana. up until a few months ago, i never saw a problem with being that way. it opened doors for excitement, provided countless hours of entertainment, and gave new twists to life. then one day it all came to a screeching halt. my friend asked me to take a personality test with him and [of course] i said yes. after 100 questions, my diagnosis came back:

"Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic implying that you rarely worry and are not easily irritated..." ok, not too bad so far "...Orderliness results were low which suggests that you are overly flexible, improvised, and thrill-seeking implying that you enjoy the unknown and are often reckless. Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly outgoing, sociable, and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity."

insert brick wall here. 

these three sentences, processed by a computer based on a handful of stupid questions, proceeded to rock my world for the weeks to follow. as your typical female, i have a bad habit of over-analyzing things. do i not have my own individual interests? oh my gosh, maybe i don't! am i too much of a people pleaser? do i do things because i want to or because i know that people just expect me to say yes to everything? do i have an internally based identity? maybe? but maybe i don't! don't i need to be a leader in order to touch people's lives? there are no "great followers" only great leaders! i need to change! i need to establish who i am. but WHO AM I? as i wrestled with these questions, i sought out God and realized that my identity is in Him; that i was purposefully created just the way i am. after becoming content [once again] with my "yes man" attitude, one of my wonderful roommates [who was unaware of my brief identity crisis] informed me that my role was crucial, according to a short video she had seen entitled "How to Start a Movement". contrary to popular belief, it's not all about the leader. as it turns out, the first follower is equally as important because if no one is brave enough to take on that role, then the movement will fail. and so, i now know why i am the way i am. i was made to be the second man.

 

monday

dear future husband, 

i promise to challenge you. i promise to stand behind the decisions you make and stand beside you as you follow them through. i promise to fuel your adventurous soul. i promise to pray for you. i promise to respect you. i promise to believe in you. i promise to be your best friend first and your crazy wife second. i promise to get up in the middle of the night and take care of our screaming children at least 50% of the time. i promise that you will always be second in my life and that God will always be first. i promise to love you. i promise to forgive you. i promise that i will kiss you at the beginning of every day - even if you have morning breath. and i promise that, if we live to be old, we will be the only couple in their eighties to frequently jump on trampolines.

love,

me

sunday

A lonely, yellow balloon hovered on the backdrop of a clear blue, summer sky. My eyes panned down, following the string that kept the balloon from its freedom. At the end of the string was a large, wrinkled  hand that belonged to the keeper of the yellow balloon - an elderly man with snowy hair disheveled by the breeze. He walked slowly along the path, his back hunched over his cane. He stopped as he came to the empty park bench, struggling with the decision that confronted him. After a moment, he surrendered to his weakness and reluctantly sat.  He lifted his downcast face and caught my gaze. Behind thick glasses, the twinkle of the blue eyes of his youth had been glazed over with time and sorrow. The crow’s feet that shot out from the corners of his eyes told that this man had not always been a stranger to a smile.  

Curiosity drove me to claim the opposite side of the park bench. As I sat, I turned my head and stared with no feelings of embarrassment or shame. After a brief glance in my direction, eyebrows set with position of minor annoyance, he turned his eyes back to the ground. I continued in my blatant observation. He wore a simple, gray suit and a tie that matched the balloon that his left hand still clung to. 

The moment before I dared to open my mouth in conversation, a delighted squeal penetrated through the noise of the city park and I looked over to see a young girl. Arms outstretched and blonde curls swept across her face, she ran to the old man as fast as her short legs would take her. The corners of his mouth turned up as she climbed onto his knee and melted into his arms. Without hesitation, she began to babble on excitedly about her adventures, all the while pointing towards the playground in the far off distance. 

And as I sat, I realized that such is life. People who are old are able to see the pure beauty of youth and those who are young fail to realize how wonderful they are.

saturday

i was at starbucks today, just like almost every other day. i go there because they pay me to make coffee for random people who are willing to buy addicting, overpriced, calorie-packed beverages. anyways, today i had the pleasure of being [kindly] accused by a coworker of “finding happiness in the smallest things”. that allegation was obnoxiously thought-provoking. i realized that i do have a tendency to love the little things in life. don't get me wrong, i still bitch over the tiny problems and minor irritations of life.but i usually find it impossible to not appreciate small, yet ridiculously amazing things in daily life. [i just love how grammatically incorrect that sentence is.] 

a few of my favorite things…

… running in the summer at 6am when the rest of the world is still asleep. because at 6am in the summer, the sun has just begun to shine. because the air is crisp, but still promises to bring warmth. and because at 6am, the day is on the brink of a new adventure.
…driving long distances by myself with sunshine and good music. i always put on my aviators [generally, the ONLY time i wear sunglasses is when im driving], roll down the windows, blast the radio so that passing cars can’t hear me singing along, and then drive about 15mph over the speed limit to my destination.
…getting lost in the Bible. sometimes, i’ll sit down to read it and i find myself several hours later with pages of notes and a dry highlighter.
…watching old movies and/or musicals.
…that cozy, clean feeling that you get after taking a really hot and bubbly bath.
…being barefoot on surfaces such as: grass, sand, and hardwood floors.
…dry humor.
…photography and art. [but, generally, NOT renaissance art.] 

...being home alone. when im in my house by myself, i have this habit of dancing around in my undies while singing “do you believe in magic?” at the top of my lungs.
…making a stranger smile.
…organizing, rearranging, and decorating. as of right now, i really can only do these things to my bedroom. but i fantasize about having my own house and what it’s going to look like.

…a thick novel and a glass of red wine.
…observing people. it's fascinating to realize that every, single person that has ever walked on this earth has a different personality. a different story. i wish i could glimpse into the minds of people. to know them and where they've come from. it also makes me fall even more in awe of God's creativity.
…music of all sorts.
…the realization of how vast and unique this world is. to learn about and, if you're lucky, experience different cultures. to be able to broaden your horizons and learn to walk in another person's shoes.

so, when all is said and done, i'm flattered that people say that i find happiness in the smallest things. i wouldn't have it any other way. i'm easily entertained and easily amazed by God's awesomeness.

friday

lessons i have learned over the past month:

sometimes, broken is the best place to be.

sometimes, you have to surrender the same thing 1,493,573 times.

it's easier to live in the idea of the future. but we're called to live in the moment.

you learn how to trust when you can't see the destination.

the world does not involve around you. sometimes we're called to a place for the benefit of someone else.

God already knows who i am and who i will be.

it's okay to slow down and to accept weakness.

 

friday

twenty things i wish to do as a twenty-year-old:

1. mail someone a letter for no particular reason.
2. spend a summer afternoon running through sprinklers with my brothers.
3. donate blood.
4. write a poem...or ten.
5. prank someone.
6. learn to drive a manual.
7. carve a watermelon.
8. ride on the back of a motorcycle.
9. spend a day in complete silence.
10. eat an entire meal with chopsticks.
11. fold a fitted sheet.
12. make a list of twenty books and read them.
13. take a picture in a photobooth with someone.
14. participate in an eating contest.
15. play the guitar.
16. go to a concert.
17. cook a fancy meal and share it.
18. attend a religious service of a different religion/denomination.
19. keep my room spotlessly clean for a month.
20. see how many marshmallows i can fit into my mouth.

thursday

“we stopped checking for monsters underneath our beds when we realized they were inside us.”

wednesday

i stumbled across a list of twenty-five random facts that i wrote about myself a couple years ago. i laughed.

1: JESUS is my best friend. but i often fail at being a good friend to him.

2: i've developed a love/hate relationship with sleep. it consumes such a huge fraction of the hours in my day and i feel like i could be doing so much during that time. but its sleep...so wonderful.

3: if i controlled the weather, it would be 100 degrees (dry heat) or 90 degrees (with humidity) every day. and i would live by an ocean or lake in which i would swim/sail/kayak/frolic. i think that most people are glad that i don't control the weather.

4: my dream is to get married and have a family. but if that never ends up happening, i will be content with purchasing a jeep, getting a large dog, and living a life of adventure.

5: i really have no idea what i want to be when i grow up. i tend to not think that far ahead.

6: i like to pretend to be athletic. i run. i climb. i dance. i swim. i bike. i play the occasional recreational sport. i even do taebo when no one is watching.

7: ive always wanted to surf. however, since my mother claims to be "too concerned for my safety" whenever an opportunity presents itself, this dream is currently on hold. as is skydiving.

8: bright colors are fantastic.

9: math and i are not friends, but there is a mutual respect. actually, the mutuality is questionable. i'm convinced that it hates me.

10: i am the first to laugh/make fun of myself...and everyone else.

11: music is a very good thing.

12: i love to turn everyday activities into adventures. actually, i like to turn everything into an adventure.

13: roller coasters are about the greatest invention of all time.

14: i'm not a crazy, energetic person all of the time. i'm quite often quiet, sentimental, and relaxed. this surprises a lot of people.

15: when i'm home alone, i blast music and dance around in my underwear.

16: i've made mistakes. i still make mistakes. but i am forgiven.

17: i love, love, love to write.

18: lucky charms are my favorite cereal.

19: i don't watch a whole lot of tv or movies. there always seems to be better things to do.

20: after working at starbucks for almost two years, i've developed a semi-addiction to coffee.

21: my discontent with being stuck in one place and love of exploring new things/places started at birth..i came four weeks early.

22: i can't help but try to sing like wreckless eric whenever i listen to "(i'd go the) whole wide world".

23: i will stay up late, regardless of what time i have to get up the next morning. this is where my coffee dependence comes in.

24: i always sleep on my side because i've self-diagnosed myself with a mild case of sleep apnea. this makes sleeping in hammocks slightly hazardous.

25: i make cookies for the sole purpose of eating the dough.

friday

"sometimes i pray for a slap in the face, then i beg to be spared because i'm a coward."

thursday

here's to staying young. to growing up. here's to laughing so hard that there's no sound. to friends who have your back. to the partners in crime. to the ones who listen without judging. here's to brutal honesty. to simple truth. here's to far-fetched dreams. to potential reality. to chasing after both with no reservation. here's to change. to journeying. to adventures. here's to you, God. thanks for this crazy ride we call life.

monday

"knowing how to be solitary is the art of loving. when we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as means of escape."

monday

everyone started classes again today. makes me wish i was in school. how ironically awkweird is it that i'm jealous?

thursday

an honest heart poured out...

this just in, i’ve successfully failed at attempting to run my own life. stupidly assuming that i was close enough to GOD that i was immune to the world, i let my guard down and down i went. so here i sit, feeling completely embarrassed of my actions and reactions.
its weird how the domino effect is so easily applied to circumstances in life. one thing after another in a downward spiral. then, suddenly, it all comes to a screeching halt and i wonder how i got to this place. today is that day and, as i look back on the past month and all of its events, i cringe.
how did i become such a slave to emotion and feeling? when did i become so immature? why am i still clinging to broken things instead of CHRIST?
bright side: lessons learned the hard way are the most effective.

monday

let's be real here. i'm a very emotional and passionate person, but i've spent most of my life fighting against it. i guess i was always told it was a sign of weakness and, being the independent and stubborn soul that i am, i would have none of it. but now, as i'm starting to mature a little bit, i have no desire to hold back tears. i'm a cryer. go tears!


"that's why i take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that i suffer for Christ. for when I am weak, then I am strong."  - 2 corinthians 12:10

saturday

mondays, new years, and "tomorrow"s always seem to be popular "fresh start" points for the majority of people. considering this is the first day of a new year, my mind has been bent around this topic all day. personally, i love fresh starts. but i'm beginning to realize that i need a fresh start more often then on new years or new weeks or even new days. why can't i have a fresh start at 6:37pm? it may just be a tweak in a little area of life [like starting a new tube of toothpaste] or take form in some drastic measure. either way, why wait?

wednesday

some of the best things in life:
long walks with changeable destinations, smiling at strangers, waking up and realizing that you still have hours left to sleep, elephants, the way condensation from a cold glass drips onto my bare legs on a hot summer day, the smell of grass, jet streams that blaze across the canvas of a setting sun, the sound of rain beating against a tin roof, packing for vacation.

monday

saturday

to you, i’m the girl with too much energy. who loves to laugh and is always up for an adventure. i’m the one who doesn’t take the world seriously. who never gets offended. but what you fail to see is that, underneath it all, i’m an old soul. sometimes i think that i would be content with spending my days dreaming or reading. i’m not afraid to explore the depths of my soul. i don't get scared of being alone. i enjoy silence. did you know that?

Wednesday

"it's wonderful to climb the liquid mountains of the sky. behind me and before me is God and i have no fears."

tuesday

friends are wonderful things. i'm currently sitting around the dining room table with a few of mine. we’re having one of our “study nights” which usually consists of everything but studying. tonight, our adventures and experiences have included: eating instant coffee, snapping our fingers repeatedly, listening [but not watching] to the movie big fish, drinking cider straight from the bottle, stealing the screwtape letters audiobook, taking our heart rates [mine was 56], eating cookie dough and stove-cooked popcorn, watching footage of mt. st. helens exploding, and partaking in the cinnamon challenge [both colleen and mark attempted to eat a tablespoon of cinnamon in exchange for twenty of broderick’s dollars. sadly, it was an epic failure. the ending result for both contestants was a cloud of cinnamon dust expelled from the mouth, followed by excessive amounts of puking.]. what a grand night.

saturday

i think that GOD is calling me into the mission field. not necessarily an international mission field. but i think that my main purpose in life is to serve him. permanently. as a career. i’m not sure what that will be. but i am willing. and my prayer is this:

“FATHER, give me the strength to be everything i’m called to be.”

friday

all things work together for good.

sunday

we, the human species, were created for one purpose: to glorify GOD. we have many “sub-purposes” in life, but our ultimate reason for living is to give honor and praise to HIM. HE has created a perfect plan for each of our lives that, if followed, will allow us to fulfill our purpose most efficiently. so, on that note, when seeking GOD’s direction for my life i need to remember that, first and foremost, my plans should strive towards GOD’s purpose. 

note: focusing on myself will never reveal GOD’s plans for my life.