saturday

i've always been what people call "the follower". the first one who to say yes to just about anything - from a late-night grocery run to a fly-fishing adventure in montana. up until a few months ago, i never saw a problem with being that way. it opened doors for excitement, provided countless hours of entertainment, and gave new twists to life. then one day it all came to a screeching halt. my friend asked me to take a personality test with him and [of course] i said yes. after 100 questions, my diagnosis came back:

"Stability results were high which suggests you are very relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic implying that you rarely worry and are not easily irritated..." ok, not too bad so far "...Orderliness results were low which suggests that you are overly flexible, improvised, and thrill-seeking implying that you enjoy the unknown and are often reckless. Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly outgoing, sociable, and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity."

insert brick wall here. 

these three sentences, processed by a computer based on a handful of stupid questions, proceeded to rock my world for the weeks to follow. as your typical female, i have a bad habit of over-analyzing things. do i not have my own individual interests? oh my gosh, maybe i don't! am i too much of a people pleaser? do i do things because i want to or because i know that people just expect me to say yes to everything? do i have an internally based identity? maybe? but maybe i don't! don't i need to be a leader in order to touch people's lives? there are no "great followers" only great leaders! i need to change! i need to establish who i am. but WHO AM I? as i wrestled with these questions, i sought out God and realized that my identity is in Him; that i was purposefully created just the way i am. after becoming content [once again] with my "yes man" attitude, one of my wonderful roommates [who was unaware of my brief identity crisis] informed me that my role was crucial, according to a short video she had seen entitled "How to Start a Movement". contrary to popular belief, it's not all about the leader. as it turns out, the first follower is equally as important because if no one is brave enough to take on that role, then the movement will fail. and so, i now know why i am the way i am. i was made to be the second man.